TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally outside of area. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let us have another position in which American men can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: supply All people a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the venture, replied, "You recognize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "exactly where's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting awareness from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will even consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD might have switch-down services."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. Trump Tower Damascus officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

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